1. No more fumbley, weird "I
don't even know what you like" first-time sex. That's not to say that boyfriend sex is fool-proof but your
odds of having someone accidentally pull your hair because their stupid elbow
was on it go down by a lot. 
2. He can not reply to your text and
you won't go into a panic attack shame spiral wondering if he's ghosting. You can say "he's probably just busy" and know for
a fact that yes, that is why. It's like having an oxygen tank at all
times. 
3. You always have someone to zip up
the back of your dress so you don't have to do that weird acrobatic arm thing. Even if it is probably good for your deltoids or something.
It still blows.
4. You always have someone to split
food with for those days when you feel like ordering like a monster but then remember you have a normal human stomach. And then
on days when you somehow have a superhuman stomach…
5. You have twice the food always. Oh what's that? You're not hungry? Guess who is? It's me!
6. No more Tinder dates to run
screaming from while wearing shoes that are really hard to run in. Plus, no after-work drink dates means you can actually get
through the work week without a hangover from hell. Hello, productivity and a
general lack of nausea.
8. You finally at long last have
someone to suffer through family dinners with. There is no better feeling than kicking your boyfriend under
the table when your grandad straight up starts eating that huge bowl of gravy
with his own spoon.
9. You get to double date with your
friends aka you get to spy on you friends' boyfriends to make sure they're good
enough. And run over the data you have
learned with your boyfriend to make sure you didn't miss any #facts.
10. There will always be someone to
like your selfies. You can now post freely without fear
of Zero Likes.
11. You automatically have approximately
40 percent more space in your brain because it's not begrudgingly focused on
meeting The One. Obviously
this much of your brain isn't focused on that but jesus christ, sometimes it
feels like it's supposed to be and it's exhausting.
12. Valentine's Day is no longer a
day of chalky candy-filled dread. It
might be a day of excited joy or a day when you both do the same things you
always do, but it holds no power over you any more, so suck it, VDay. 
13. All the time you used to spend
online dating can now be spent on doing things that make your soul happy. Instead of killing it with a machete because jesus christ,
one of these has to be good, right? (Not really). 
14. Couples costumes! I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I've had a lot of
~*iDeAs*~ about this lately, so FYI, next person I date: I have a whole list of
potential couples costumes. We're set for three years, minimum
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